


Hate to see your heart break

by Winterboxx



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: F/F, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Lesbian AU, Songfic, semi useless lesbians
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:06:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25568710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winterboxx/pseuds/Winterboxx
Summary: It started quiet, there was nothing to say. Nicky had tried to let her down gently. But there was another girl. Another woman who wasn’t Rock. She wanted Nicky to be happy more than anything but her heart clenched at the thought.“It was never anything serious”
Relationships: (but like background), Jackie Cox/Nicky Doll, Rock M Sakura/Jan Sport
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	Hate to see your heart break

**Author's Note:**

> so this started as me getting obsessed with the paramore song and having to make a fic out of it. now we're here and i really like this fic, so i hope ya'll enjoy it, little tw of there being a lot of angsty stuff in the first half
> 
> thanks so much to vic and emerald for betaing, and mina (and then zyan and ella lol) for helping me with tagalog

It started quiet, there was nothing to say. Nicky had tried to let her down gently. But there was another girl. Another woman who wasn’t Rock. She wanted Nicky to be happy more than anything but her heart clenched at the thought.

_“It was never anything serious”_

The words echoed in her mind. She played it off like they were true, like she was unphased. It had started casual, just friends that ended up together some nights. But Rock connected with Nicky in a way she rarely did with people. She struggled to meet people who got along with her, much less seem interested in her. She had naively hoped they could move past the casual stage into something more serious. But that was just a dream.

Jackie had come along, unwillingly breaking Rock’s heart in the process. The woman was nice. She had been a long-time friend of Jan’s who she’d met a few times. She was tall, smart, and pretty. All things Rock could never see in herself. She knew it wasn’t her fault, that things like this happened and life would move on. But the feelings stuck, left her feeling hollow and wanting to do nothing more than curl up and cry her feelings out.

Getting home was the most relief she’d ever felt. The minute the door slammed behind her, the tears started flowing. Managing to get to her room was a struggle but soon she was on her bed, away from the world. Safe to let out her feelings.

Jan got in not long after Rock did. She couldn’t notice over the volume of her thoughts and the intensifying sobs that passed through her every so often. Rock wanted to melt away then and there. 

Jan heard it from the hallway, quickly making her way to the pink-haired girl’s room and seeing her curled up, face buried in a pillow and crying. It was heart-wrenching to see. Rock was always so bright, full of life and bubbly. The pain in her eyes was a far cry from that. All she saw was a hurt girl. One who didn’t know how to deal with the intensity of her emotions.

“Hey Rocky, what’s going on, gorge?” Jan asked, keeping her voice soft so as to not scare her roommate. 

She didn’t get a response, Rock moved, lifting her face up every so slightly to acknowledge Jan before beginning to sob again, burying her face in her hands this time. 

“Do you mind if I touch you?”  
Rock nodded, not quite able to give a verbal response, trying to hold back her loud sobs but failing miserably. She tensed up as Jan took her body into her arms, squeezing the pink-haired girl tightly and keeping her there. 

Rock’s body let her relax and melt into the embrace, briefly forgetting her pain. She tried to focus on Jan, drown out anything else inside her but it proved difficult.

Jan noticed, Rock seemed to shake less but was not completely still in her arms, tears kept coming no matter how hard she was trying to stop them. It hurt her heart more to see Rock trying to force her emotions down. 

“Rock, do you want to talk about what’s happening or do you want comfort?” Jan’s voice stayed soft and low as to not startle her friend, who still jolted at the sudden speech. Rock moved from having her head laid against Jan’s shoulder to looking her in the eye, shuddering with tears before taking a deep breath to compose herself. 

“Nicky-” Rock paused, not expecting her voice to sound as broken as it did. Jan seemed to understand from the one word, nodding with a solemn look on her face. “She’s with Jackie now, and I know she didn’t want to hurt me and she’s happy like this but it hurts so much Jan. I was falling in love with her but didn’t notice the feelings weren’t mutual. I’m so stupid.” Rock blinked, shocked at her voice holding out enough to spill all her emotions without a second thought. The calm didn’t last much longer, and Jan watched as the pink-haired girl seemed to crumple back down after speaking and started crying again. 

“Rock, I heard about Nicky and Jackie, it’s not your fault gorge. You’re lovable and anyone who doesn’t see that is stupid.” Jan spoke, trying to perk her friend back up. Rock wanted to believe the words but they fell deaf on her panicked, self-loathing ears. 

They had a back and forth conversation, mostly consumed by Rock’s crying. It had gotten steadily less intense until Rock’s phone buzzed. A post on _her_ instagram story that she had been alerted to. A picture of her and Jackie that shattered what remained of her heart in two.

Jan helplessly watched Rock’s face twist into a more painful expression than she had ever seen. Her eyes darkened, before her face was buried in her hands, soft sobs being the only sound in the room. Jan pulled her into her arms, letting the pink-haired girl melt into the embrace, barely able to process much during the crying. 

“I’m so stupid for thinking she would catch feelings that quickly.”

“You're not stupid, baby. She led you on, it’s not your fault.”

They stayed like that for a little while longer, held in a safety net that made things somewhat easier to deal with. Jan always knew what to do, and Rock was eternally grateful. On a different day she wouldn’t take the constant attention so lightly. There was always something, ever so slight, pushing her away from people when she felt them get close. Jan wouldn’t take that though, when Rock clammed up at too many compliments she would stay, lessen it but not leave her side. The blonde could hold her and make her feel like everything would be okay, even with the broken heart and mixed-up thoughts.

“Can you sing to me? Any song, I like your voice.” Rock’s voice was soft and muffled, it cracked slightly from the tears, and Jan felt her burrow closer, as if she didn’t want to acknowledge the emotions that were on display.

“Sure I can Rocky.” Jan started humming an unfamiliar tune, unconsciously running her fingers through Rock’s messy hair, strewn across her lap. 

“There is not a single word, in the whole world  
That could describe the hurt the dullest knife just sawing and back and forth And ripping through the softest skin there ever was How were you to know? Well, how were you to know?”  
Rock felt something in her, that constant anxiety, settling down. Listening to Jan sing was borderline euphoric. Her tone was softer, more caring than Rock had heard before and she wished she could stay in this state forever.  
“And I, I hate to see your heart break I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close But I've been there before And I, I hate to see your heart break I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close But I've been there before”  
Jan kept singing, feeling Rock perk up somewhat. She finished the song, continuing a low hum that seemed to keep the pink-haired girl at peace for a little longer.  
They would stay like that for a little while, eventually Rock would move, longing to stay in Jan's comforting touch but knowing it was impractical. It didn’t stop Jan from getting them her favourite local filipino takeaway, curling up on their couch and watching whatever anime film Rock decided she wanted. It was something, a light for the mess that Rock had become in the short amount of time from her and Nicky’s talk.  
\----

It had taken time, but Jan was keen to push Rock little by little to get out of her sadness and heartbreak. If she was left to deal with it alone, Jan worried she wouldn’t fully recover, instead blaming herself for it all and suffering in silence until it all bottled up and spilled out at any time. 

The turning point was when Nicky invited them, along with some others, to a bar to hang out. Jan was nervous to mention it to Rock, not quite knowing how ready she was to face Nicky. 

There was a conversation, a back and forth of wanting to go but not wanting to deal with Nicky and Jackie. 

“It’s just, if I don’t go, Nicky will know something is up. For all she knows I was fine after things with us ended. I know she checked with you one time but to her it’s all fine. But it isn’t fine.” Rock looked pained, a rare serious expression, devoid of the usual humour and chaos, left only with a slight annoyance at the topic.

“I won’t force you, and if you don’t want to go then I’ll give Nicky an excuse and stay here with you.”

“Jan, don’t do that for me. Don’t spend time with your sad roommate over a fun night with your friends.”

“Rock no. I want to go with you or not at all, it’s not pity, it’s because I enjoy your company, okay?” That seemed to get through to her, Rock sighed and agreed to go, on the condition that Jan would stay with her. It was something Jan was happy to oblige to. 

\---

Jan kept to her word, side by side with her roommate, not leaving her for a second. It sparked some attention from everyone, and even Nicky threw her a few glances before her attention was tuned to Jackie. The look on Rock’s face was brief, but she saw the pain. It made Jan’s stomach twist, to know the hurt was lessened but the bruise was still there. She wanted nothing more than to take the broken heart and mend it herself, press kisses and kind words until Rock began to believe some of them. Someone so sweet didn’t deserve that and there was a lingering irritance at Nicky for putting her through this.

It all came from a place of close friendship though. That was it, or she wouldn’t let herself think about it deeper. Falling for the person you lived with isn’t the best of ideas. 

Rock pushed through it, going to get the pair a couple of drinks before, wishing it was less complicated. She was open to the feelings that bubbled up with every lingering touch or moment shared between them. That was what was helping her get over Nicky, but she knew it was a dangerous game to play and wouldn’t dare tell Jan how she was feeling.

The line to order drinks was longer than she had anticipated, leaving time alone with thoughts she so desperately wanted to push back down. It would have been easier had the source of it all not come up behind her. Nicky stood there, uncharacteristically quiet. The tension was thick, and something Rock wanted nothing to do with. 

“Hey, Rock. Are we good?” That was weird, she almost never got called Rock by the French girl, it was always either Roxanne or Sakura. She didn’t know how to respond, be honest about everything that had happened? Never. But it was obvious to anyone that there was something more to her, she couldn’t pretend it just wasn’t there.

“We’re good. No hard feelings, you fell for someone, I wasn’t the one for you. It happens, Nicky.” 

If Nicky’s words were strange then there was nothing remotely normal about Rock’s response. She wasn’t as emotive as usual but wasn’t quite cold either. It was a strange, unfamiliar medium that made Nicky question her. This was weird and she couldn’t pretend it was okay. 

_“Roxanne.”_

Rock just smiled at Nicky, she could see more emotions than she knew Rock would care to admit, but there was genuine happiness in there. Maybe some things were better left unsaid, but it helped her to know Rock wasn’t taking it too hard. 

Jan watched, feeling an unfamiliar jealousy run through her body. She hadn’t been happy with how everything had gone down. Seeing Nicky try to talk to Rock at that moment made her want to pull the pink-haired girl away and not let her leave her side. But that was impractical, so she waited, praying her friend would stop and leave the girl alone. 

Coming back with their drinks, Rock wished for nothing more than to forget what had happened. Jan noticed it, her burning irritation settling into something more soft and protective. They soon forgot about all of it, sticking together and drinking together. The night went well enough, interacting with everyone but not once parting, the pair had a good time, together. 

There was one minor thing: though Rock had clearly miscalculated how much she could drink. She knew it to be more than Jan but by how much more she was yet to figure out. The drunk Rock had settled herself, leaning against Jan with a head on her shoulder, wanting nothing more than to stay there and fight anyone who tried to move her. 

\---

“Gutom na ako.” Rock murmured quietly, Jan turned, not expecting a noise to come from her intoxicated roommate. She’d been quiet since they left the bar, glancing around the quiet street and walking, hand grasping for Jan’s the moment they were out of the door.

“Rock, I have no idea what you just said baby.” Rock blinked, visibly confused. She repeated herself, not quite understanding how what she said that wasn’t understandable. Jan held back a laugh at the soft eyes Rock gave her, almost as if she was begging for something.

“Hungry.” she mumbled after, giving Jan the same puppy eyes that she had been previously. They melted any feelings she had left after spending a night with the pink-haired girl clung to her side. But there was a small issue of finding somewhere to eat, with them being about 20 minutes away from home and Rock having no patience when it came for food. They continued along the street, the begging eyes never letting up for a second. 

Everything was closed, but a small, lit up pizza place came into view. It was all Rock needed to see as she tugged Jan’s hand, looking at her like a child would to try and get their parents to buy them something. The blonde could only agree, going inside to get a pizza.

Ordering was a hassle, Rock was indecisive at best, spending a solid five minutes staring at the available toppings. 

“Do you just want to get pineapple?” Rock turned to the voice, nodding excitedly at the idea. There was something so cute about that, the bubbly girl was back in full force, maybe a little more childish than usual due to having drank a little too much. The man serving them gave the pair odd looks, wondering what on earth was causing two grown women to act like that probably. 

“Do you think the pineapple likes being on the pizza?” Jan had to hold back a laugh, the innocent curiosity coming from Rock was something, but that had to be the dumbest thing she had ever said.

“I’m sure it does Rocko, the pineapple is very happy because it knows you’re going to enjoy it.” Rock nodded, pleased with the answer. Her face lit up with a happy smile that made Jan’s heart weaken. It was good to see her happy again, she wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

“You’re like the pineapple and I'm the pizza.” Despite it making very little sense, Jan nodded, agreeing and thinking the idea was cute. She got the jist of what Rock was trying to say but it sounded funny. 

Before their conversations could get any stranger, the pizza was given to them. It took Rock a few seconds to process, before grabbing Jan and the pizza and almost running out and to their apartment. Somehow managing to rein in the chaotic girl, Jan kept them on a fast but safe walk home. But the moment they reached the door Rock nearly fell over, running inside and bouncing to her room, muttering something about pizza. She truly was something special. 

Watching her inhale the food was somewhat scary but also interesting. Rock could be quite a fast eater, depending on how hungry she was. But this was insane, she had gotten through almost half the pizza before Jan could clear through her second slice. 

Rock paused suddenly, looking at Jan with a huge, dopey grin on her face. She only grinned more when questioned before finally letting out a response. 

“Thank you Jannie, you’re the best. You’re like, even better than a lifetime of pizza.” 

In her own special way, Rock had praised Jan more than she knew possible. Rock was awkward whenever she talked about how much someone meant to her but this was different, softer and sweeter than Jan knew she was capable of. 

This was a side of her roommate that she could get used to. It was pleasant, amusing to be around and just adorable. Rock had finished her half of the pizza, eyes lighting up with excitement when Jan offered her another slice, they sat together on Rock’s bed, as the box lay open and empty. It was nicer than the blonde knew possible. 

Rock decided they needed to be more comfortable, tugging for Jan to lie down with her and burrowing her head into the blonde’s chest. 

“Gustong gusto kita.” Another mumble, softened by a tiredness that snuck its way into her words. Jan had no idea what she had said, but the tone told of something soft. 

“Mhm, I don’t know what that means, Rock. Mind repeating for my dumb monolingual brain, baby.”

Rock only let out a hum, her body not having the energy to speak any more, only able to let out quiet, sleepy grunts. Jan felt her finally fall into a deep slumber, still curled into the blonde and showing no signs of letting her move any time soon. It left time to think though. Tonight had been different, time with Rock was always pleasant and fun but never leaving Jan with such a feeling of warmth radiating over her body. 

That was when it finally clicked. The only other time that warmth was around was when she was falling for someone. Suddenly more things began to make sense. Jan wasn’t blind, she knew Rock was cute. But there was something about her, asleep, a soft smile on her face as she was burrowed into her side that was the definition of adorable. 

She hated to leave, but the blonde knew she had to get up soon. Her bubbling feelings and sleeping next to Rock were not a good combination, at least not now. But as she tried to slightly move, the sleeping girl stirred. She let out a grunt, grabbing at Jan’s hand and grasping it tightly.

“Stay, cuddle.” Her voice was gentle, mixed with exhaustion that only added to the softening of Jan’s heart. She couldn’t bear to leave after that, sighing and pulling Rock’s duvet over them. This could be an issue for morning Jan to deal with.  
\----

Future Jan was not well equipped to deal with anything, her vision was blurry due to the lack of glasses or contacts, but she felt a warmth over her body. Turning to the right was Rock, curled up with her head still burrowed in Jan’s chest. Her hair had spread out, a soft pink mess that Jan just wanted to run her fingers through. 

She fought the urge, distracting herself with her phone. At the realisation is was already midday, Jan jolted. She couldn’t move due to how half of Rock’s body was thrown over her own. Her hands found their way to the pink fluff, unconsciously playing with it as she scrolled through social media. It was enough for Rock to eventually start waking up, letting out a quiet, confused humm upon noticing the position her and Jan were in. 

“Wha?” 

“You fell asleep on me and wouldn’t let me leave. Good morning though.” Jan held back a laugh as her friend’s face screwed up, either in confusion or annoyance at being awake. She couldn’t quite tell but either option was amusing. Rock didn’t move though, her head stayed in place, even with her eyes open and being clearly alert enough to talk. 

“You’re comfy, and cosy.” She spoke up, still not moving and only wanting to stay cuddled up to Jan for the rest of her life. 

“You’re a handful when you’re drunk. It was cute though, you got so excited over the pizza we had.” Jan smiled, her chest warming at the thought. 

“You know, i had a lot of fun last night. I like it when it’s just us two. It’s nicer like that sometimes.” Rock shifted, moving her head to face Jan but keeping it leant on her. She perched it against her shoulder, somewhat sleepily smiling up at the blonde. 

“I did too, we should do it more often, just the two of us.” Rock agreed, lighty wishing they could do more together than roommates did. Maybe more like a date, but she wasn’t counting on that to ever happen. 

Another brief pause occured,

“You’re so cute, I love you Rock.”

Jan froze, not expecting her feelings to come out so easily and quickly after she realised them. She didn't have time to worry about it as Rock spoke up once more.

“Gustong gusto kita. It means I really like you.” Rock grinned, looking giddy at Jan’s confession. Her words processed in Jan’s mind as she acted on an impulse, pulling Rock into a kiss that told the pair all they needed to know. When Rock was more awake they would talk about their feelings properly. But not at that moment. Maybe heartbreak was a good thing, letting the duo open their eyes to each other.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed, ngl this is still my favourite ship to write and i may die alone on this hill. follow me @soulfulwinter on tumblr if you wanna see more :D


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